Mood:  rushed

which i do right now, without him. without him, i feel that a piece of my heart is missing. i feel...............empty. i'm good at pretending that everything is ok, which i've been doing a lot of lately. it's crazy, everything reminds me of him. even the most irrevelant thing reminds me of how irrevelant that thing is to him. honestly, no matter how much i wanna just tell him that i'm sorry and wanna take all this back, i know it's for the best, that i need to stay strong. but oh my god am i horny!!!! i know that if i ever saw him that i would just jump on him right then and there (well, if we were in a good spot. but i guess i'l have to say goodbye to awesome sex for now).  i hate to admit it cuz it makes me seem vulnerable, but i miss him terribly. the past few days: i went to state fair sunday and had an awesome time. i saw tons of people. i saw matthew (dude who gave me skittles for my b-day), who was so handsome and might be transferring to arts!!!! i've been channeling my frustration with the carlos thing into training and getting in shape for volleyball, by myself. but i'm really getting used to the idea of doing things alone. it's good, sometimes. today i went driving. i'm surprising myself with how good of a driver i am. the one thing that had some fault, my turns, have been improved upon tremendously. well, thanks to these lessons and my night driving (shhhh, it's a secret). i wanna fuck him right now. i've been going on these websites and reading these books and have thought up some great things. if i could have him just one last time....